Told by Anonymous Edited By Eugenia Booi
‘I ONCE Googled ‘I hate my dad’, and the results comprised sites full of stories of other people who, like me, hate their fathers. Reading them made me feel guilty, because, you see, my dad isn’t a gambler, drinker, smoker, druggie or wife-beater.
He doesn’t abuse anyone, he doesn’t sit around doing nothing all day. He isn’t a criminal, he isn’t grumpy or nasty and hasn’t ever cheated on my mum. He isn’t a workaholic or even particularly distant. My dad is a perfectly ordinary man who catches the bus to a dull office job, watches comedies on TV, listens to music and loves running and playing sports. And I guess this is why I’ve always hated him.
The way I see it is he’s never really given me any reason to love him. We aren’t very close and when I do speak to him he tends to ignore me or turn the radio on drowning out my voice. Some nights when I’m lying in bed and almost asleep I hear him go and give each of my siblings a kiss goodnight. He never kisses me. We don’t really have a relationship; I don’t know him. I’m far closer to my grandfathers than I think I’ll ever be to him.
We’re just an average-income family living in an average home with modest aspirations and middle-of-the-run lives in every way. There’s nothing exciting or particularly good about the way we live. We aren’t rich, or interesting, and I think I’ve never quite been able to forgive him for this. It worries me because I know that it makes me sound beyond shallow. But the truth is I’m not. I am actually usually a deep person and most people I know would describe me that way. I feel terrible about hating my dad so much but I just can’t love him because I feel that really, he’s never given me a reason to, aside from getting Mum pregnant in the first place. It worries me, because I feel at times like I could never really love him. He embarrasses me, not in the way the fathers of most teenage girls do – you know by making dad jokes and teasing – but just by existing and being so very boring. As a result of me thinking this way our relationship is in tatters.
When I look to the future I think that our relationship will probably always be this way. He will never give me a reason to love him because he just isn’t, nor ever could he be, the sort of person I could love. And he will always know this, and it will always make him slightly sad. And worst of all is the fact that I know it will be this way always and I really don’t care, when I know that it should.”