I am in a good mood today; it is the weekend after all. I may add however, that my jovial state of being is beleaguered by a smear of paradoxical frustration. I’m sure it’ll pass as my day ages, but I’d love an answer to a question. What in Sam Hill is up with the traffic of late? Great Caesar’s Ghost; has it been infuriating! I’m already bitter as is since I’m forced to grow old in a (barely) moving vehicle in suburban Johannesburg. Are we experiencing an influx of morbid souls who had been betrayed by their own municipality’s general ineptness? Jo’burg’s dangerous, stay where you are.
I am a person who grew up in a world made out of bizarre outcomes à la Scooby Doo. My best guess, in all its half-baked glory, would be that people are capable of driving more than one car at a time. It’s that, or all the city’s toddlers bribed Home Affairs for papers permitting them to clog up our roads. That red “L” stuck on the rear windows of hatchbacks surely must stand for “Lay” not “Learner”. Happily, and verily so, have I a slew of quality events laid out you for this weekend’s break. Sixty percent of these involve beer and music; I am therefore contrite in my discourse that it could not be the full 100.
As far as these events are concerned, no problem. I thusly implore you to avoid that infernal horseless carriage as much as possible this weekend. The Boks are playing the All Blacks tomorrow. That’ll give you more than enough reason to drown your sorrows at home. It’s a sure-fire way to forestall your SO from going anywhere. The match should prove an unmitigated embarrassment, but these five events a boon. Here we go.
1) Oktoberfest, Saturday 17 September
“But, Robert,” you might ask, “are we not in September?” Yes we are, dear reader, but much like Christmas in July I’m sure a Google search will tell you why. Oktoberfest South Africa is owned and managed by a dear German couple who mistook Berlin for Benoni. I kid of course, I think, but they are kind enough to make an effort in bringing the tastes and festivities their homeland is so famous for to our shores. Expect all to be authentic. The food and drink will be imported; Bratwurst, Sauerkraut, Eisbein and Weissbier – all fit the Fatherland’s standards. Local SAB products will also be available and an Oompah band will headline the festivities. Local musos will supplement The Eisbeins on stage. You’d be very happy to know that the very awesome blues-rock spectacular, Black Cat Bones are set to perform. The grounds are open for the whole family to enjoy. Tickets are available through http://www.oktoberfestsa.co.za/ .
2) Jozi Film Festival, 16-18 September
I feel as though I’ve done the Bioscope Independent Cinema a couple of marketing favours the last few weeks. I’m hardly inclined to bemoan my generous free press since I’ve mentioned it to be a very good initiative. I beg of you to support this cultural enterprise; Thor and Spider-Man turn us dull. I’d go as far as proclaiming JFF to be a cutesy idea for a trite, but strapping lad to take one refined lass on a date. That’ll score you some social currency in the form of brownie points. This year’s theme is Jozi: Love/Hate and it’ll explore the city’s coming-and-goings as a sprawling metropolis rebuilding its identity. Both local and international will be available for Q&A sessions should you feel a pressing opinion brewing. A screening schedule and tickets are available on the Jozi Film Festival website.
3) Thousand Sensations Craft Beer and Food Festival, 16-17 September
There is but a glint in the bearded hipster’s eye when he, in all is plaid and booted glory, can profess: “But it had been I whom had the first sip of nonspecific’s amber from yonder place.” We all have it, we all love it. Calm down, it’s only beer. Good beer at that. I remain a firm advocate of the micro-enterprise. I am even more a fan of a remote, beautiful hamlet along the Garden Route; Wilderness in this case. The aptly (my guess, only) named Wilderness Hotel will play host to this fine festival where an innumerable band of brewers will showcase their product. ‘Jan Pampoen’ is my favourite – what a delightfully folksy name for a beer. There will be food too… Entry fees sit at a backbreaking R80 and a weekend pass will cost you a financially crippling R120. Fees for children under the age of 12 are as much as the amount of money in their wallets – nothing. Should you require any further information, happily visit Cape Town Magazine .
4) The Full Morty, Kalk Bay, 16 September
The psyche of the average South African oke is lekker. Lekker simple, ja. It’s nevertheless complex enough to warrant a thorough exploration. Not from a kopdokter I might add, but a comedian rather. Forgive me once more, but to best describe The Full Morty, I’d have to lift. No weights I’ll have you know, but my description to be exact. The pen-artist employed brevity; something I am a fan of. He had this to say. “Stand up comedy meets cabaret; testosterone to toilet time, Morty will reveal all… It’s the perfect combination of talent, charisma and devilish naughtiness.” Mortimer Williams will guide you through the male mind in the beautiful harbour town of Kalk Bay. The show starts at 20h30 and tickets, admitting two people, cost R150. These can be booked through the Kalk Bay Theatre .
5) Concert In The Park, Pretoria, 17 September
This is prime spiritual real estate; where one can mellow their bones to the deconstructed melodies of indie rock. Lunch can be had out of one’s own picnic basket while you bask in the Jacaranda City’s above average clime. It’s a pity that the whole affair only lasts a mere six hours. Your Uber driver will however appreciate the concert’s succinct nature. Desmond and the Tutus, The December Streets, Float Parade and Yo Grapes are set to headline St. Mary’s Diocesan School for Girls’ form of Woodstock. All members of the family are welcome to attend. There is a special on tickets that are available for purchase through St. Mary’s . The event starts at noon and will end at 18h00.
If you know of any exciting events happening over weekends in the country or you’d wish to inform the public of your own, please mail me on [email protected]