I’ll impart a wee bit of medical knowledge on you lot today. Like the inquisitors of yesteryear, I stumbled upon a cure for something purely by chance. I’d also like to indemnify myself here should something happen to you, but the problem we’ll explore is a minor one – you’ll likely only suffer a sore throat for ten or so minutes. Like many of you I refrain from a visit to my GP unless I deem it absolutely necessary; when death comes-a-knockin’ I’ll give the bloke a call.
Before I delve into what exactly my ailment was, I’ll have you know that the omniscient internet pretty much diagnosed me with every conceivable illness imaginable. I undertook my online investigation with prior knowledge that this might be the case and I could therefore rule out a couple of afflictions on the spot, like gout. What I narrowed it down to, eventually, was one of a few things: cancer, heart disease, pleurisy and pneumonia. Serious stuff, you know.
You see, I carried with me severe chest pain for a number of days. At first I ignored it because that be my style, kind of, but it became worse and worse with every single breath I took. The pain was localised on the right side of my chest. My brilliant mind, therefore, could rule out any problem with my heart. Great stuff. I still could not figure out why I’d been so short of breath while the slightest movement gifted me a generous amount of agony.
It soon came to me that I did not harbour any of the tell-tale symptoms of the flu, a cold or bronchitis. I could therefore rule out pleurisy and, to some degree, pneumonia. Excellent, cancer it was! In that moment my brain began functioning as it should have from day one. I asked someone to violently palm the area just below my right shoulder blade so that I could expel the ominous wind lodged in my chest cavity. It did not work – back to square one.
I was re-diagnosed with cancer, heart disease, pleurisy and pneumonia. Then, soon enough, I noticed the same amount of pain if I’d to jettison every ounce of air from my lungs. It had to be that ominous wind lodges in my chest cavity, you know. With this knowledge I once more asked my online friend and this time the chap actually offered me some relevant advice that I could try out within the comfy confines of my own home.
I set out to brew myself a warm beverage; a typical ritual during the evening, but this time I was to concoct a potent potion. What landed before me was a drink so rife with ginger that it would put any tin of Extra Kwetsa to shame. I swallowed fire, but I stuck it out so that I could rid myself of this utter annoyance. I also had a lightbulb moment just before bed where I reasoned that a muscle relaxer ought to augment my convalescence. It worked.
There you have it… panic leads to ingenuity. Who says that necessity alone leads to innovation? I’m also certain that the relaxer-ginger combo shan’t interfere with one another to such an extent that you’ll find yourself convulsing on a bathroom floor. A good night’s sleep might have done the trick by its lonesome, but I’m sticking with my remedy as the saviour. Like you, I, too, can enjoy my weekend quite thoroughly now.
- Pinotage on Tap Johannesburg 2019, 24 August
Cost: R295, available through Quicket
These tend to sell out quite fast – this is why we’re visiting it a week ahead of time. Plus, I figured that it being payday that weekend, you’d be able to treat yourself to some guilt-free wine. The Diemersfontein Wine Estate will once more bring you this fantastic event and it will be the 15th edition, to boot. This might mean that you’ll be able to score a few extra goodies… who knows? ‘PoT’ will be hosted at the splendid The Leriba Lodge in Centurion and during this one-day-only event, you’ll be able to get your hands on a range of eats and a few good bottles of wine to save for a special occasion. That seemingly hefty entry fee will include a gift of sorts, a wine glass and bottomless Pinotage pored straight from the barrel. Live music will also ensure that there is a pleasant atmosphere throughout the course of the day, making a visit here well worth your money.
- Health & Fitness Expo 2019, 16-18 August
Cost: For bookings, visit [email protected]
On the surface of it people from the West Rand seem like a lardy bunch with not much in the way of moola to spend on all sorts of quirks. This, my friends, can’t be further from the truth. I like to believe that a great many that call that area home tend to operate in a rather low-key manner. Within its border you’ll find many a fitness junky with the latest in gear and tech to aid them as they strive to become the best physical specimen they possible can be. It is therefore rather apt that this expo will be held at Clearwater Mall right in the heart of that vast, residential expanse. Here you’ll be able to peruse and acquire any and all of the fitness paraphernalia that you could possible dream of and the Saturday will host the annual 10km race and a 5km fun run.
- Women’s Month at Sandton Comedy Club, Ends 27 August
Cost: R100, available through Quicket
The 9th of August might have come and gone, but the entire month, fortunately, has been dedicated to the fairer sex. There might only be a handful of shows left, but they are sure to tickle that funny in just the right way. All the gals are invited to visit the Sandton Comedy club on the remaining Tuesday evenings of this month and much of it is dedicated to the ladies. These shows provide an excellent opportunity for female comics to showcase what they are all about and it will see a few established acts do what they do best. There is a bit of a bonus for the girls, too. Say you have purchased a ticket beforehand, it will mean a thing or two. You’ll receive a free Savanna upon entry and a not-so-insignificant R100 will be wiped from your final drinks bill of the night. That, ladies and gentle… uhm… is a steal.
- National Quilt Festival, 16-23 August
Cost: R50 daily entrance at the gate, bookings through TixSa
I’m treading through very unfamiliar territory here, but, it being a 20th edition and all, I’m sure that there are thousands who regard quilting as the ultimate hobby. The closest I’ve come to this activity or anything of its ilk is sewing a dislodged button back onto a shirt. Might I add that I’ve done so quite expertly. Nevertheless, I’ve come to understand that quilting ain’t exclusive to the geriatrics anymore. I’ve seen scores of people my age and younger engaging in this relaxing activity, even if it looks extremely trying to me. I understand that there are competitions hosted sporadically and I can get behind anything with a sporting element to it. This year the biennial event will be hosted at the Heron Bridge College in Fourways Johannesburg where you’ll be able to stock up on supplies, attend workshops and even engage in a competition.
- Boktown, 17 August
Cost: R30, available for all venues though Computicket
For the purposes of this entry we’ll focus on the two of the locations that Boktown will be hosted in Gauteng – Silverstar Casino and Montecasino. Both venues offer plenty of space for any comer and there are a range of other activities to engage in should you rock up a little early or choose to stay a little after the match. I also suspect that it won’t be as cold as the last edition held in the dead of winter. The reason why we included this here entry is that it will be the last time that the Springboks will play on South African soil before they’ll head off to japan to embark on their Rugby World Cup campaign. These events also serve as pseudo stadiums because not all can afford a ticket or transport to Loftus Versfeld Stadium and some don’t have the time. Boktown therefore offers a similar atmosphere because a host of Springbok fans are gather in the same area and tend to be just as loud as those who are physically at the match. The men in green and gold have also just come off a title-clenching victory over the same Argentinian foes that they gave a thorough hiding in their own backyard a week ago. The side also has a very experimental feel to it and I suspect that all who will watch the game will be entertained by some enterprising rugby.